A few musings from the dark side of my mind...

One of the benefits of my job is that I get to go driving, or walking around in the forest by myself a lot. Lately, we've been burning big piles of logs and slash with one of the most wonderful tools in the world - a drip torch. We fill it with a mixture of diesel fuel and oil and then light the end of it on fire. I think I need one. Anyway, back to my point - I have a lot of time to myself to think about a lot of things and there have been a few things I have been mulling over the last week or so.

Parry has pointed out many times that he feels I've never reallly had to deal with rejection. When he first said it, I kind of blew it off. I mean, there have been jobs I've applied for and haven't gotten - not many, but still; I remember being dumped by Brian Kemper in the 9th grade and I was devastated to real sobs and tears...I'm sure there are other instances that just don't come readily to mind.

But, he kind of has a point - when I decide there's something I want, I usually get it whether it's through annoying persistence or shear hard work on my part - sometime luck even comes into play. I guess I'm just not afraid to ask for what I want, and most of the time, that's all I have to do. Sometimes I have to ask many, many times until I wear the person down, but I usually end up with what I want.

I have to give some credit to my parents, genetics, luck and sheer will power. My parents raised me and some of the nurturing helped me to become who I am. I was born with stubbornness, will power and drive, but it was brought out and honed as I matured. Not to brag, but I consider myself to be quite talented and intelligent. That came from somewhere, right?

So, Parry may not be completely wrong - I got the job I wanted, the truck at work, the house we are moving into...the list goes on. I do deal with rejection, maybe just not as much as others. I mean, really, who would want to reject me, anyway?

Now on to my next rambling thought...am I greedy? Proud? Stuck-up and pretentious? I've had to ponder these questions lately as I have felt dissatisfied with my life. As I've gotten to know some of the people around here that I first thought were quite "well-to-do", I've been quite surprised by how they live. We live in an area where about 50% or more of the homes are second/vacation/summer homes for the old and rich who live in "the valley" (Phoenix area). The houses here are ridiculously small and even more ridiculously overpriced. Anyway, I digress...I have been surprised to find out that MANY of the people I have gotten to know live in trailer/mobile home/manufactured homes! They don't drive nice, luxury cars - most of them have trucks as it is almost a necessity here, we've discovered. I have always been a little too "proud" to even consider living in or looking at a manufactured home. Maybe it's because I was fortunate enough to live in the lovely homes I remember growing up. Maybe it's the connotations that go along with "trailers" and "mobile homes". I don't know. I just have never considered it as an option, even when it would have been easier financially to do so. I mull over this as we are moving out of the 50+ year old, tiny, musty forest service ranger house that we have been living in on our way to a new build, open, spacious, more expensive house that I consider "good enough" for me. Does that make me proud and stuck-up? I don't think so - I just know what I like, I guess. I don't do it for appearances - really, I couldn't care less what most people think - I just want to be comfortable and have the stuff I like. I've worked hard for everything I have. Maybe it would be smarter financially to live less extravagantly - not that we live all that extravagantly - but I wouldn't be as happy. Judge for yourself, I guess.

The next two may have to wait for another day...